...i can't sleep. i'm kind of excited for next semester, hoping things will be different... maybe my twin is right things are changing, i don't know.

...well lets see i just took in a little bro for my fraternity, hoping he'll cross, he better... hahaha so i got this idea for new letters it's going to be crazy! hahaha then i thought about giving my big bro a present, a pair of letters hahaha national letters, that should be awesome(shh, don't tell him)... well as soon as i have enough money, cause when i get letters i get them crazy style, hahaha and they tend to be a bit over a bill... well lets see... i also got this fucking crazy ass idea for next semesters rush tshirts... i was thinking maybe we should keep it in the branch, cause this semester my big bro made the rush tshirt, and they were fucking awesome... so my quote for next semester will be "...every man dies, not every man can say they've lived. rush pi kappa phi" ...hahaha i like it, and the design is so awesome! you must wait, or ask my nicely. haha.

...so i thought about me and fasa, me being public relations and all this semester, i kind of got to see the club from all directions, i know how it works now, and i was thinking of running for board again... i don't know how many people are going to support me for that but, i have this crazy master plan, (i'm not going to reveal it now because i don't want it to be jock status) cause i want to run for the fundraising chair, and i want to make some awesome and fun fundraising!! hahaha if i get the position that would be awesome!

...i don't think i'll be stepping up for my fraternal board yet, because i want to observe some more and hopefully i can take on the position which i want as my first position... which would probably be the treasurer position, and i might still be fundraising chair for my fraternity as well... i mean this semester being the fundraising chair i learned a lot, and still am learning, so that's why i'm excited for next semester, hoping things will be up and great!

...so i wanted to share this with whoever is reading this... do you know why i fucking love my fraternity? it's something unexplainable in a way... what our letters stand for to who we are, it is so amazing, that's why we're so picky about who writes, or wears our letters! i am too, because after getting them, it would suck to see someone wear those letters and not be like who we are. we are america's leading fraternity, and i truly believe that... see the brotherhood, a word that i can use and understand it very well, but this might be a word, just a word to you, our brotherhood is so fucking strong, no one can come between us... it's just amazing and i'm blessed to have brothers have my back like that, i'm just amazed on how there's people without a doubt i can trust my life with... and i know sometimes i ignore some advices, i'm just stubborn, but it's great to know my brothers are looking out for me.

...fraternity is a lifestyle that enhances your college experience, but pi kappa phi's brotherhood is like a lifetime of friendship and brotherhood with people who will be there for you regardless. i'm proud to be...

...so i have work at seven in the morning, and it's three right now, wow i'll be so fucking tired at work... and then i have my meeting tonight for fasa... i hope everything will be set perfectly... hopefully i have time to do everything tomorrow!

...i'm such a busy kid, but i'm learning... we're human's, we learn as we grow. ...and tonight i asked myself "del, how could you forget your philosophy for life." i missed myself, and i feel like i'm getting back. God, i pray that hopefully everything will be fine, and things will be back to normal; and i pray to get back my sanity.

...it feels great to be alive, and hear my heart pumping.

...so you know what feeling i miss... that kind of happiness when everything is perfect... maybe i think too much, but i love it. i want to feel like a child, the kind of hapiness they have. carefree, i long for that.

...emotion is dead.

...oh God! i could just breakdown, i could just die, i could just vanish... if only.

...i'm such a wreck right now, this is the only place i come to say what's on my mind. if you only knew the things that went on in my head, what went on in my life, if only you had a slight idea of who i am.

...i hate to cry or let emotions go out; but i wish i could. i can't vent it out. there's just so much, and i'm so little. i try my best, yet i come up second to none. sometimes i wonder why i am like how i am... why can't i be just like most guys. i'm the guy that's supposed to be happy all the time, the one you can count on when you're down... damnit that's what i am, and i don't like it... linda was telling me to cheer up cause that's what i am... i'm not, i wish i wasn't, i wish.... wishing is hopeless. you can say i dream. i'm a dreamer.

...so i was talking to my twin steph, she asked what's wrong, i don't know what's wrong, i do, i just can't say it. everything is wrong. i was supposed to write an essay that was due monday but i still haven't done it, and i must tonight, but why i didn't do this is cause i'm not stable, i can't even pick my self up from this hole i dug.

...why can't life be simple. why do i have to always have to feel. this little piece is for someone i care about, man why the fuck did you even go through everything and quit. it get's me mad man, i hate to see someone quit in something we love. after everything, all the shit, all the hell, this is your fucking way of saying "fuck you..." it just all adds up to all my problems. why is it my problem? well it just is... i'm sorry.

...second piece, i knew this story. it was all too familiar. just like me and her, it's you and i in the same story. all the bullshit, bullshit... and bullshit. it's all shit! i should tell you, not cause you deserve it, it's cause i don't want to go on and regret the past. i don't regret with me and her.

...just a thought. for some reason, recently, i come up as a sweet talker? i've heard this before from a girl, saying i was an asshole cause i'm just saying things to get her. i'm not, well if you don't know me, when i really do like a girl, it's big on me, cause i'm a picky mother fucker. there was something i saw, and obviously trust isn't there. i just don't say things cause they sound sweet, or cause they sound like something you want to hear, it's something i feel.

...the only time i can stop myself from feeling so down, from feeling like i'm losing grip, is when i'm busy, either at work, or when i'm with my friends. yet one of my thought comes to mind, everytime. when i'm wasted, when i'm alone, when i'm listening to something so wonderful, or staring into blank space... it's you.

...why do i feel these things? i don't know, maybe it's my fault cause i feel, i love, and i just wish i could die, and never feel these things anymore. there's much more, but this is the most i can say.

lyrics for the moment:: "am i loud and clear, or am i breaking up. am i still your charm, or am i just bad luck. are we getting closer, or are we just getting lost." -swing life away by rise against

...but i still think of you, i couldn't sleep last night.  i was just thinking what to do, but when the time's right you're never there.

...i never want to say that i never lived, and look back at things and say i missed out.

                                            ...i'll start speaking.